About two years ago I walked on one of my favorite trails. Shortly into the walk, there was a bright orange triangle caution sign that read–
“PRESCRIBED BURN AHEAD. DO NOT REPORT.
I noticed the bright colored sign.
I noticed all the capital letters.
I noticed each of the warning words.
And I paused.
I took out my phone and googled “prescribed burn.” I learned prescribed burns are done with intention. They are done to reduce weeds, promote growth, and help the vegetation thrive.
I looked around and became more aware of my surroundings.
The PRESCRIBED BURN AHEAD warned me ahead of time, before I started my hike and before my lungs filled with the stench of smoke to prepare my heart and mind for the destruction I was yet to see. The warning sign was a shout, not a whisper.
Wouldn't it be great if life came with warning signs? There are “red flags” in relationships but I want a great big orange warning sign telling me “walk away. This will make you sad.” Or maybe one that says “If you go here, you will be destroyed.”
The “red flags” in relationships many times go unnoticed or pushed aside. But this big orange sign caused me to pause and even google it’s meaning. The sign allowed me to pause and choose which way to go…forward where I would inhale the toxic stench or I could back away toward my car where the air was clean and clear. Moving toward the burn meant I would see destruction and moving away from it would keep my heart safe from sadness. This sign was about knowing and choice. But there is no such warning like this in a relationship. When feelings cloud everything it’s difficult to parse out the warning signs. Sometimes stepping back and thinking first is the best thing to do before taking that next step so you can see clearly.
The DO NOT REPORT, called out to me. It made me think of how often we don’t share our experiences with others, but instead silently suffer because of guilt, shame or overwhelm. What about the people on the outside who know someone is suffering and instead they ignore it and just look away saying “it’s not my problem, it doesn’t affect me.”
Each one of us impacts each other in some way. No one lives in isolation.
We all, each one of us experiences pain.
We have the capacity to intentionally choose to rid our lives of all that no longer serves us and only keep the parts that add to us. We can do our own prescribed burn. By doing this, we learn to grow and thrive from and in spite of the pain. We also have the ability to connect authentically with people and the Universe around us.
Whenever I experience pain or suffering, the way out of it is through connection.
I moved forward to see the trees and connect with each one of them.
As I walked further the sulfuric odor filled the path. I allowed myself to take shallow breaths instead of the deep inhales I usually take. I looked around and saw trees on my left that blackened from the burn. Ash covered the ground. There was a thick layer of gray ash covering the forest floor. Some trees were still standing and some had been burned all the way down. The scent of the forest was noticeably changed. Tears filled up in my eyes and flowed from the corner of my eyes kissing my lips. My heart raced. Each time I walk here I greet them, saying hello and thank you. I feel supported and safe here, never lonely or scared. Now, the trees I love are burned, scorched and dead. Why? Because it was necessary for the others to survive.
I noticed orange tape around the trees on my right. Were these too going to be torched and scorched? Or did this orange marking mean they would be saved? I went up to the trees, put my hands on them and said “I love you” to each one.
Yes, I am a tree hugger. I love them and they love me. This is unconditional love.
The last two years of my life, I have had a prescribed burn. Parts of my life have been torched and scorched. I thought that meant there was nothing left of me. But I am now being rebirthed into a different version of myself, someone stronger, more confident and happier.
I have spent the last two years cleaning up the pieces of a failed toxic relationship. He was previously addicted to cocaine and switched to alcohol and sugar and me. I tried too often to put these pieces back together. Each fallen sharp jagged piece eventually hurt me more and more. I felt like I was dying. Trying to make someone love you is the worst feeling. It took so much energy and depleted all of my self worth. The relationship was a mess. One thing I hate is a mess. I like neat and tidy things. I like to understand my place in the world and in my relationships. I didn’t understand anything about the relationship I was in. It all confused me and left me feeling angry, sad, hurt, alone, and emotionally guarded.
I was stuck in a very toxic relationship. I went into it loving him and he went into it controlling me. I didn’t see the flags even though others did. I didn’t know how to get out. There was a lot of abuse and it didn’t feel safe to be in it and it didn’t feel safe to leave it. The hardest part about a toxic relationship is when the other person gives you even a little sign that there is something good you hold onto that thread of hope thinking maybe, just maybe he will love me or we can be the way we were. But it's always a lie. It’s always a manipulation. They are never worth your love or time. It was difficult for me to leave that relationship. I loved him. I loved the idea of us that we were in the beginning. We weren’t that any longer.
After we bought our house we began caring for his nonagenarian father whom I adored. My then, now former fiancé, became more abusive. Sometimes I hid from his rage in the upstairs attic room. Sometimes I stayed downstairs waiting for the beast to fall asleep. It is a very weak man who raises his fists to a woman and threatens her. It is a very sad man who uses physical force to feel like a man. I excused much of his behavior away in the beginning thinking it was caregiver stress. But there are no excuses for abuse. NONE.
I began having a recurring dream that our house was wrapped in yellow caution tape and I was taken out with the ambulance. I told my friend about the dream and that I was very fearful for my life. I said “He’s the kind of guy who is nice to everyone but no one would suspect he is hurting me. One day…you watch…I will be taken out of there”.
Dreams have a way of coming true. That was our ending.
The Universe was telling me PRESCRIBED BURN NEEDED…DO NOT BE SILENT
I watched as my relationship burned down. In many ways I felt like I was burned too. But looking back, I believe I am the one who was saved.
Loved reading this - I especially liked that it made me think about past and current relationships. Thanks for sharing, Tori
This was AWESOME!!!