I closed the door and opened a window...
New view, same routine.
When one door closes, another one opens. Or in my case, it is a gorgeous sliding glass window uncovering unfamiliar sights and sounds which stimulate my senses.
Look at my breathtaking view…
I carefully locked all the doors to my home, sensing the weight of the deadbolt click into place. Double checking the doors and alarms, I waited for my friend to shuttle me to the airport. I knew when this door finally closed, an adventure unlike any other would begin.
It took a while to arrive at my final destination. But I am here, safe with my best friend, Jennifer, in her home, 6,068 miles from my home. I wasn’t sure this trip would actually happen. First, there was a twelve hour flight delay on American Airlines. Because of the delay, I needed to rebook my El Al flight to Tel Aviv and ended up staying in London overnight. Upon landing in London, I discovered American Airlines failed to load my luggage! Thank goodness for the Airtag I placed in it.
I am now sitting in Jennifer’s kitchen eight days after arriving, still waiting for my luggage, which just transferred to El Al. Hopefully, I will have my luggage tomorrow—Day 9 of my trip.
If this is the worst, there's a chance that life isn't so bad. I do not have my clothes or belongings, but being in Israel allows me the opportunity to have a bit more perspective on what is and is not important. Currently, people are displaced, losing lives, homes, and lacking necessities. Why should I get upset about my stuff when there are genuine problems in the world?
Why am I here?
I am not on vacation. I am here to demonstrate my love and support not only for my best friend whom I hold dear but also for a country I have a profound connection to. It is my natural inclination to support others through difficult life circumstances. I picked up the phone, called her, and expressed my desire to be with her immediately.
“May I come visit?”
“Wow, you really want to come here now?”
“Yes. I want to just come and be with you and make life easier in whatever way I can. Perhaps I can cook or do dishes or laundry or just listen.”
After my 2008 accident, I lacked support. Cooking and cleaning were burdensome chores. I wished someone would do it for me. I felt alone and scared many times and since being on the other side of my healing journey, I made it my mission to support others, especially the ones I love. With love and support, healing from trauma is so much easier. It’s the little things that are so meaningful, not necessarily the grand gestures. When she gave me the green light, I booked the tickets. I am so glad I did.
I am here now, doing just what I intended…and experiencing more.
Since I have been here, I hugged the wife of fallen soldier Eviator Cohen at shiva. Major (Res.) Eviatar Cohen, 42, from Kfar Saba, was from the 8111th Battalion and was killed fighting in southern Gaza. Upon meeting his wife, I was so touched and impressed by her strength and compassion. The fact that I was present there was a privilege, and I desperately wish he was alive and well. His death is one of many. This is only one family and community which has become traumatized. A whole country is filled with families resembling the Cohens. May his memory for always be a blessing.
I am in Kfar Saba. It is eery being here now versus when I was here a few years ago. A heavy atmosphere permeates, pulsing with a distinct energy. I see a difference in the way people walk, now it bit slower. I hear it in their voices when they talk. Everything feels off, different, and heavy here.
I like to talk to people. Today, I met a lovely young girl in a local coffee shop. She told me she and her friends are all affected by the death, trauma and terror. Everyone knows someone who died, is a hostage, or knows someone who died or is a hostage or a survivor. She went on to tell me of a friend of hers that was a hostage who was killed. The words poured out without tears clouding her eyes. As though she has said this many times. As I listened, I observed as this young twenty-five-year-old girl rolled her cigarettes, one after the other, rather habitually. She opened the rolling paper. Next to her, she had a small pouch that contained her tobacco. With the tobacco firmly held between her thumb and forefinger, she continued to talk to me. After filling the paper, she placed the paper to her lips, licked it to seal it closed and removed the excess tobacco to put back into the pouch. The routine seemed automatic, habitual, and well-practiced over the years. I am not sure she realized how many or how often she held this security between her fingers and her lips.
I shared my journey with PTSD. Mine began long ago and I am well past the beginning stages, however I can see it in everyone around me. I see it in their eyes, the far away and disconnected look. I vividly remember this about myself from pictures I have seen. I needed to disconnect and not feel. It was too hard and terrifying. In the beginning, no one was able to reach me or understand me. I was lost deep within myself, protecting myself from everyone. I learned that by allowing others to see me and help me, I could share my pain authentically and move through it. But that takes time. It has taken me a lot of time. Over time I learned many self care techniques, one of which is mindfulness. We spoke about self care and mindfulness. It might involve disconnecting from the news or taking a shower to temporarily forget about the world.
“What do you do for self care?” I queried.
I ceased paying attention to the news. I can no longer view it. I also stopped my social media.”
“Do you know what mindfulness is?”
“I have heard of it, but I am not sure.”
“Mindfulness is paying attention on purpose in the present in the moment. You can do that even when you roll your cigarettes or drink your tea. Just for the moment of rolling the cigarette, focus your attention only on the paper and tobacco. Smell the tobacco. Touch and perceive the texture of the paper. Enjoy the moment of this pleasure. You might even roll the tobacco in your fingers. You can also bring your mind to gratitude for this moment. Gratitude for the people who make the products and the process it takes to get it from where it was to you. But I would start small.”
“I like that a lot. I think I will try that.”
“I’m so glad you like that. Learning mindfulness is learning to love yourself first.”
Photo by Ziv Paczy on Unsplash
For me, perspective has been happening moment by moment.
I met one of Jennifer’s clients, a vibrant woman whose daughter died (not as a casualty of the war) but from a severe and disabling medical condition. She died just before the war began. Her child barely buried, this woman is now thrust into grieving for her country. The worst grief imaginable is that of losing a child. My heart cries for her that she does not have the time to herself right now to process this intolerable loss. When I met her, she greeted me with a hug and a smile and scrolled through her phone to share her daughters pictures, joy and essence with me. She did this all with grace, dignity and a smile. I doubt I would have the capacity or strength to do what she did after going through what she has endured.
Back to my luggage, in the United States many people want more and better. I am humbled here by the people and their stories. My luggage and clothes are insignificant. I have breath in my body and my body functions. I have food, shelter and clothing. I am here, alive and mostly well. With all of that, life is good. Now, I have my bestie to hug every night (at least for a little while). Every day I have reason to smile.
This is called perspective.
Currently, as I write, I am sitting in the kitchen of my friend’s home, sipping my coffee and looking out of a beautiful sliding glass window. There is no screen, the window is wide open and I wonder what will happen if a bird flies in. Will I enjoy this sight or jump away in fear?
I lean into the feeling of fear, breathe and gaze at the parakeets in the trees. This is a truly magical place.
I am here today because my best friend has supported me through some of my most tough challenges. Showing up for people is effortless during the good times. During our worst moments, it is those few who will see us through with love, compassion and support.
She has done exactly that for me and witnessed me at my absolute lowest. We have laughed together, cried together and now we are here in Israel together. It is my turn to show her the strength of this friendship.
I met her some forty years ago at boarding school. I remember the childlike innocence we all had, a group of girls from various countries all living together and learning about one another’s culture. We developed a genuine appreciation for one another, going beyond mere tolerance or acceptance. More than the book learning, this cultural exploration became deeply ingrained in my soul.
We call one another “sister” because growing up living with one another, you get to know a person deeply. Many of us still stay connected. We have a shared story and a sense of connection and values. We were diverse in race, color, ethnicity and creed. Somehow, we all got along. I am filled with immense gratitude that my best friend/sister of my heart is someone I came across several decades ago and our friendship has remained strong throughout the years.
Residing in Israel, I have learned to rearrange my priorities in life. People first, things last. When we lay our heads down for our ultimate time, we bring nothing with us, not our homes, our bank accounts or our treasured possessions. People will remember the impact we had on them, when we showed up and how we expressed our love for them. Prioritizing self-love enables us to support others.
Too many people, an entire country is experiencing a mental health crisis. Please, be there for someone who needs it. Be there in any way you can to listen, to ease their mind, their heart or their daily life. We are all struggling through this in some way trying to comprehend the gravity of this. First, be kind to yourself and then be there for someone suffering.
During these extremely challenging times, don’t worry about the dishes piling up, or vacuuming the house. It’s okay if you don’t look perfect or the kids have stains on their clothing. These are not the things we need to concern our minds with. Let these things go. Learn to decompress in whatever way works for you. Perhaps it's meditation, a walk, or yoga. It could be the simple pleasure of savoring tea or coffee with a friend. Perhaps it is only being silent. Find what works best for you and do it.
Tonight I will close my bedroom door, the one next to Jennifer, and I will rest easy believing I am getting my luggage tomorrow and knowing I am in a loving environment with Jennifer. As she works, I mindfully wash the dishes, prepare our evening meal and look forward to her wrapping up her day of work. At the end of the day we spend time together catching up, relaxing and just sitting with one another. It is a great relief for us both knowing we are together. She doesn’t relize what a tremendous gift this is to me, allowing me to be here for her. In many ways it helps me heal the wounds of my past when others were not there for me. Now, I am more able to look forward rather than remember the past.
Below is a picture of us in a car. We are usually together on WhatsApp video, every picture I take is a treasure to me. Each moment spent is one to be remembered. After all, that is what we have, moments. It is our choice to make them filled with meaning and purpose or to let them slip away. I choose meaning and purpose.
Thank you my dear sister friend for filling my life with joy. From my heart to yours, I love you.
For anyone out there who is suffering, you are not alone. If you need help, there are numbers listed below. If you want to reach out to me, I have time now and I am able to help (not everyone) but many. Don’t be a stranger.
May the world around us feel peaceful, loving and calm.
With much love and gratitude.
Chellie
Mindfulness Tools
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Thank you for sharing an incredibly important message ... I, too, have a decades long friendship with a high school friend who is more than my sister as well. How fortunate we are! I thank my lucky stars every night and every morning I am thankful that I can wake up to another blessed day.
Chellie- you write with the mind of a Buddhist- mentioning mindfulness, meditation and yoga. But I find most Buddhist writing lacks the heart that you express so vividly. Your sense of caring for others is found only in those few who have mastered the art of loving others (and self) with the understanding that God resides equally in all of us. It is important to realize that it is only circumstances that create enemies. The same people who are killing and being killed- under different circumstances- could share a wonderful friendship. It is sad that we as a people are so good at creating circumstances that lead to hate and war.