What if I say the wrong thing?
What if staying silent is worse?
Dear Reader-
If you are suffering or know someone who is—I stand with you in strength, love, and unwavering support. Los Angeles will always be my home even though I am now 3000 miles from it. Watching the suffering and sadness is heart-breaking. I also know there is so much strength and resilience in The City of Angels. I have unwavering belief in each one of you—in your courage, your capacity and your willingness to not just overcome but to come through this.
Sometimes it feels like saying nothing may be the best thing. I’m not sure what to say... I worry that my words might not be right or helpful and could unintentionally hurt the other person. This well intentioned plan often backfires. Silence hurts, leaving someone who is experiencing trauma feeling alone.
After a near-fatal car accident, my world shattered. I lived every day engulfed in emotional and physical pain, questioning everything I once believed about life. I longed for comfort but didn’t have the solace of crying in someone’s arms or feeling the safety of being held. The loneliness in my pain was as heavy as the trauma itself. The people in my life didn’t know what to say to “make me feel better.” And the truth is, I didn’t want to “feel better.” I wanted to feel safe to cry, but instead I showed others a strength which was only a shield.
The absence of genuine support during my healing, coupled with the platitudes I received, created an emotional barrier—a shield that separated me not only from others but also from my own feelings. People saw me as strong and capable, often praising my ability to “make it through so well.” What they didn’t realize is that this façade is known as apparent competence—the illusion of strength masking the deep pain and vulnerability within. This barrier eventually came down and flooded me with emotions I was not prepared to deal with on my own. No one deserves to be alone especially through traumatic times.
What I’ve realized through this journey is that sometimes the smallest acts carry the deepest meaning. A kind word, a quiet presence, or just someone sitting beside you without judgment can be a lifeline. Yet, too often, people don’t know how to approach someone drowning in sorrow. Instead, they try to cheer them up, urge them to "look on the bright side," or fix what feels unfixable. But when you’re suffering that deeply, what you truly want is the space to let the sadness flow, to feel it fully, and to know it’s okay to do so with someone who makes you feel safe.
Through my own healing, I’ve come to understand which words were the most unhelpful and what phrases stung when they were meant to soothe. But I’ve also discovered what I wish I’d heard—simple, genuine gestures of understanding and care that could have made all the difference. Today, I want to share some of those insights with you, in the hopes that they can help you support someone who might be navigating their own storm.
Anchor yourself first before tending to others
Emotions
Ground yourself in strength, courage, and compassion. Understand your own limits and what you’re truly able to support, care for, and nurture. Before offering your help, prepare yourself for the possibility of navigating turbulent waters. Their emotions may fluctuate from hour to hour or day to day, and that is entirely normal. Be a strong, steady, and compassionate presence, ready to listen with an open heart. While they may respond with raw emotion, we will respond with unwavering love and compassion.
Staying invisible in their life is not an option. Reach out to those you know who are suffering and let them know you care—you might be their only source of support. If bridges have been broken, now could be the perfect time to start rebuilding them.
When you ask someone how they are, you might hear, "I'm fine" or "I'm okay." More often than not, these words act as protective armor, concealing the emotions they’re hesitant or afraid to face. Be the person they feel safe enough to cry with.
Below are suggestions of phrases to connect with someone who is experiencing trauma. I can’t guarantee these will always be helpful, I do believe that not showing up and not be present will often be the most harmful.
I have been consistently checking on my friends in LA. They have come to rely on this consistency even if it is just one daily check in. “Just checking in to see how you are doing right now.” If that is all you can do, that is more than many. Do what you can. Help one person at a time and you will have helped heal part of this world.
Here is a beautiful poem by RUMI that perfectly captures the essence of emotions, reminding us that each one comes with a purpose and a need to be acknowledged.
THE GUEST HOUSE
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
-RUMI
Here are some suggestions for you as you begin to help those who need your voice, time and energy.
The quiet spaces
“Sometimes there are no words…I feel this is one of those times.”
“Would you like to just sit together quietly”
“Are you in need of a distraction? What would that look like?” (walk in a park, a movie, a cup of tea/coffee together)
Words of Connection
“I’m here for you when you need me.”
“I see your pain and I am willing to do what I can to help you through this.”
“There are no words to express my sadness or your grief, if you need a hug, I am here.”
“I’m a phone call or text away.”
“I will check in on you in the next day or two.” (you need to follow through)
“I’m not going anywhere. I am with you through the end.”
“I am bringing over some meals for you.”
“I am coming to take care of the kids for you.”
“I am coming to just sit with you.”—-this can be the most beneficial sometimes
“Can I help connect you with resources that can help you through this process?”
“You are not expected to have all of the answers, together we can figure them out.”
Words of Encouragement
“I believe in your strength to move through this”
“Even through these uncertain times, I know you have the ability to rebuild your life”
“It’s okay to ask for help—sometimes it is the bravest thing anyone can do.”
“I will support you through this, however long it takes.”
Be the anchor for the boat
Be the steady anchor for someone who is suffering. Gently guide them from the mask of their strength to the depth of their emotions with patience, love, and compassion. And don’t forget—after offering such care to someone else, take time to nurture yourself as well. Play some calming music, meditate, enjoy a warm shower or a soothing bath. Sip on something comforting, and wrap yourself in your coziest blanket—let it feel like an embrace from the most loving version of yourself. Allow your own emotions to surface and flow freely.
It’s all right to cry—Rosey Grier. I first saw this when I was eight years old. Because it was a big, Black man giving permission to feel and cry, I knew inside of me, that there was truth to what he was singing. Every time I needed to shed my sadness in ways that may have felt uncomfortable, I thought of him giving eight year old me permission to do so.
It’s all right to cry.
With much love, gratitude and prayers,
Chellie
Resources for Mental Wellness
Jon Kabat-Zinn: Defining Mindfulness
Insight Timer (free mediatation app)
Tara Brach (free meditation online)
Resources to help Los Angeles
The following charities have been vetted by NBC News:
California Community Foundation
L.A. Fire Department Foundation
Ventura County Community Foundation
American Red Cross of Greater Los Angeles
Thank you for your important, informative, and inspiring words. And did I forget to mention wisdom? Wisdom, hard-earned from painful life challenges. What those reading may not realize is that through everything, you have remained kind, loving, and generous.