Photo Credit: Linus Sandvide (Unsplash)
Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a cave, searching for a way out? Or maybe for you it felt like a tunnel. Either way there is a light at the end.
The holiday’s are fast approaching. For many of us this can feel overwhelming. Presents to buy. Family to see. Or not see. Bills to pay (and with what money?) So, what do you do?
When I feel overwhelmed, my reaction is to withdraw, process and figure things out until I have an answer. Then I come back out more aware and refreshed. Poking and prodding me doesn’t work, it only pushes me to withdraw deeper. Sometimes I go into a cave. Sometimes I hide in an emotional tunnel. Both offer protection and opportunities to withdraw, as well as opportunities to discover the light.
During times of being in the cave, I excavate.
“Dig inside yourself. Inside there is a spring of goodness ready to gush at any moment if you keep digging.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
I engage in self-inquiry about why I am feeling the way I do. I try to figure out what “triggered” this particular withdrawal in the first place. Usually when I withdraw at first I feel angry. But there is something underneath anger that takes me some time to figure out. For a long while anger has been one of my least favorite emotions, often expressed either too big or not at all.
Many times lurking beneath anger is fear or hurt. What is it about this anger or fear that feels familiar? Why am I feeling this again? When was the first time I felt it? When was the last time? What helps get me through this? I dig deeply to discover my feelings. Sometimes I find gems of discovery , (forgiveness, memories long since forgotten or a new kind of peace within) other times I find I am powering through an area that floods me with emotions and tears (this happens with trauma). Sometimes for no apparent reason I sob and sob when I am in this cave. When I am done, I feel cleansed, relaxed and more able to breathe. I have to be careful about the areas I excavate.
NC State Free Expression Tunnel
I used to walk the Free Expression Tunnel daily to get to my classes. It’s a place where students put graffiti art messages freely on the walls without censorship. Too often in life we feel we need a filter or sometimes we are walking on eggshells. The Free Expression Tunnel is a place where anything is allowed to be said and written.
I hold this image in my mind as a message of profound hope. Maybe I too will create my free expression. First I learn how to put words to what I am feeling such as with anger/hurt.
When I have a precipitating event that causes me to withdraw into my own space, I feel comforted knowing there is an end. Although I may not see the light, I know that just by moving forward baby step by baby step I will get there.
Both the cave and the tunnel can feel cold, dark and lonely. Each has a way out.
If you feel like you are in a tunnel, keep going. There is a light at the end. If you feel you are in a cave, all alone, maybe it’s time to do some spelunking, explore what is going on.
This light is hope.
I’m in cave now. For a long while I have felt alone, withdrawn, sad, angry and anxious. Too much “life” happened at once, everything that happened was LOSS. I know, I know, that means more lessons and more opportunity for growth. I get it, now. I was not prepared for any of it and didn’t want it either. (Cue the girl kicking and screaming)
I planned for life to go very differently. There is a saying I like because it is 100% true!
“Man plans and Gd laughs”
Right now, I think Gd is belly laughing at me!
My mom died at the beginning of Covid. Losing that relationship felt overwhelming and traumatizing. Although she and I had a rollercoaster relationship for many years, we also shared a deep love for one another, always coming back to each other, saying “I love you.” I held her when she died and “I love you” were the last words she heard from me. The last words I heard from her days before she died were “You were always our golden girl. You were always worthy. I love you more than you will ever know, my baby girl”. I wish I heard these words sooner. I am sure she was right. I am certain she did love me more than I felt it. And therein lies the struggle I always had with my mother. I wanted love in the way I needed it–her time. She gave me love in the way she could. She gave me many things I am fortunate to have had. Time was a commodity she was unable to share.
Three months after my mom died, my relationship with my former fiance disintegrated. The man I was going to marry became the man who abused me in unfathomable ways. In some ways, I am glad my mother is not here to see how that relationship devolved. She would be heart-sick to know the pain he caused me. However, I know she would be proud of me today knowing I am standing up for myself. I hear her saying “You go girl” and see her wink as she gives me the “thumbs up”, her sign that means “You got this!”. She never wanted me to feel hurt or be hurt, I know that (now). She is on my side with me as I stand up for myself. He took so much from me and for a long time that included my voice. Not anymore. I stand up for myself as much as for all other women who fear they cannot. I am here to say to each of you...YOU GO GIRL! YOU GOT THIS!
For a long time, I didn’t speak up. I didn’t tell family or friends what was happening to me and when the shit hit the fans, it hit them unaware. Afterall, he was such a nice guy. How could he do this? He was kind to animals and to everyone else. He was a good neighbor and friend. But behind closed doors he was a beast. He was a different person who drank, became drunk and abused me. His temper knew no bounds. No one witnessed what I lived. I hid the scars he created. Hiding my life felt easier than proving to others what I was living through. Instead, I smiled when I saw family and friends. I dismissed his behavior. When he became louder and his actions bigger, my life became smaller. My independence was taken from me. He wanted me to rely on him for everything, and I did. My life was relegated to one room in the house that I felt safe in. Safety was a tenuous concept for me to understand. Safety just meant not getting punched or shoved or verbally abused. It was a rather thin definition of safety. That definition became smaller at the end of our relationship. Safety became not dying.
I lived in survival mode for too long.
I lived in shame, in doubt, in fear, and in horror.
NOT ANYMORE.
I lived in my emotional tunnel then. I didn’t see any light. It was a very cold, dark and sad time for me. I held onto the spark inside of me, knowing I could be my own light. I held onto the wisdom of friends who supported me after the relationship ended. “This too shall pass.” I heard this over and over. “There is a light at the end of this.” Each time I heard these comments I understood they were said with love but there was a part of me that felt angry too. I didn’t feel like others really understood my pain.
In the past, anger was something I turned on myself, not something I was accustomed to expressing outwardly. Or, if I did it was big with “How dare you do xxx”, or “I can’t believe you would even do…”. I didn’t realize how judgmental my words and voice sounded. It takes courage to admit you are wrong and courage too to talk about what lies beneath anger. Often there is a lot or work that can be done digging through these deeper emotions (fear, anxiety, guilt, shame, sadness, hurt, and worry) exploring each one and allowing for each one of the feelings to have time to have a light shined on it.
I began thinking the more I hide the safer I will be. That was a lie. In time, I used my space just as a moth uses a cocoon. I nurtured and healed myself. I learned to enjoy silence and peace. I accepted the pain I felt and learned to feel anger, one of the only emotions I truly struggled with. I started writing (again). Writing felt healing. I did this for me and for no other reason. I wrote and wrote about my pain until one day, it didn’t hurt so badly.
I took baby steps to healing.
I walked outside and gardened. I went on hikes. I went for long bike rides. I did more of what brought me joy. The more I focused on what brought me joy, the further away from my pain I moved.
Then a friend called me. She said she was so sorry for the pain I was experiencing. I replied, “Thank you. I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, so it’s all okay.”
“That may be true but you have so many tunnels to get through.”
I laughed and laughed.
She was right. I do have a lot of tunnels I am working through right now. The light, although far away, can be seen for most of them. What gets me through it all? Faith. Friends/Family and belief in myself.
Faith in tomorrow, that offers a clean slate, a morning sunrise and evening stars. Faith in God, Universe and Nature. All that is greater than myself I honor and revere. I have faith in and love the people whom I call Family.
I also have faith that each time I go into my cave or enter my emotional tunnel, I will come out stronger, wiser and more healed than before. There will always be another tunnel or cave to go through. Each previous one preparing me for the next. Hopefully, I will not have the labyrinth of tunnels in the future I do now…just as I have faith in tomorrow, I have enormous faith that this darkness too shall fade. It already is.
This picture is me standing in a cave by choice. Happily spelunking and sharing time with much loved friends.