Photo Credit: Chellie Grossman
I started writing a bucket list a few years ago. There were very few things on it. But I did have one must…“Go to Israel”. It has been a long held dream of mine since I was sixteen years old. When Kibbutz vacations were common for teenagers, I was not allowed to go. I think this only intensified my desire to see Israel. I hoped one day I would go with friends or family, but as it turns out, I experienced Israel on my first solo vacation.
For thirty- five years I dreamed of a trip to Israel. I waited much of my life for someone to go on this trip with me and felt now was the right time. “Stop waiting for someone else and just do it”, I told myself. I needed this trip now.
In 2017, I experienced a very low point in my life. Not a lot was going my way. Relationships felt tenuous. I had little direction. I was not hopeful about the future. Basically, I was depressed. My bucket list was short because I thought my life was too. Life felt sad for me. I lost connection to myself, others and even my spark, the part of me that keeps me alive. I still suffered from the effects of my car accident in 2008. Since then, I had not traveled alone or done much of anything outside my hometown. I relied too heavily on my daughter and this became a stressor for us. I knew deep inside, I had to challenge myself to do this. I had to show myself I could do this.
It took me a half hour to look at hotels and flights and in that short time I booked the trip. Oh my gosh, I really did it. I booked it. Dancing around my house in my pink pj’s I felt exhilarated. I’m going to Israel. I’m going to Israel. I sang and danced with so much joy. Soon, reality hit and fear set in. “Oh shit! I’m going to Israel. I have airplane anxiety. I’m flying 6000 miles in thirteen hours!! I can’t do this. How am I going to sit on a plane for that long with my leg pain and my arm pain? How am I going to shlepp my luggage by myself? How am I going to feel okay alone? I need to do this. I will do this.” My thoughts fluttered around quickly. I challenged myself to not open the computer for twenty four hours. The travel site allows cancellations within that time and afterwards, well, I’m going to Israel! At the twenty-fifth hour I opened the computer and I told myself… “You’re going to Israel!”.
I sent out an email to my family. “Guess who is going to Israel in two weeks?!!!” Floods of email came back with “Mazel Tov, ”which means congratulations. “This is what you have always wanted.” What I always wanted was someone to go with me, a friend or family member. I never thought I would explore Israel on my own.
Soon, the feeling of nervousness pulsed through my body at lightning speed. Each time I felt this I told myself it is a feeling similar to excitement. Allow yourself to feel excited. You can do this. I was steadfastly determined to have a wonderful time. I did not choose to go with a tour because I wanted to feel unrestricted. So, I booked day tours to places I wanted to see and explored on my own. Making my own itinerary was fun and educational. I did not pack my hair dryer or flat iron. I wanted my days to be easy. I chose to wake up and allow my curls to have all the personality they wanted. Who cares if someone didn’t like my curly hair, I don’t know them anyway! Every day I chose happiness as my companion. I left all expectations at home and opened myself up to possibilities–possibilities of learning, being curious, and seeing historical sites. I hoped by the end of the trip I would be infused with a new attitude. Maybe I will feel happier. Maybe I will understand the direction of my life. Maybe I will learn about myself.
I received so much more than I hoped for!
I could talk about the beautiful sites. The amazing food. Or the ten pounds that I gained in fourteen days. During these fourteen days I discovered so much about myself.
I am more capable and stronger than I give myself credit for being. I traveled to a foreign country and within it on my own.
I am courageous.
I am persistent. I did not give up on this dream, instead I made it happen.
During my trip I found all of the connections I dreamed of and more.
I met a very nice man. We spent two weeks together. But that’s another story. (stay tuned).
I reconnected with a high school friend and we built a long and lovely friendship.
I started a new friendship with a wonderful young woman who is French/Tunisian. It is an unlikely friendship and one that has lasted.
Reconnecting with my boarding school friend was a true joy. While eating sushi in Tel Aviv it was just like we picked back up from forty years ago when this friendship began. We have been there as guideposts for one another through challenging times and to nudge one another on toward success in our goals. This reawakened friendship has been one of the biggest gifts I received.
Before I left Israel, I took a sunrise tour of Masada. I rode the bus with twenty other people, some couples and some not. I didn’t want to climb Masada alone, it’s a long hike up and down. There was a young girl in her twenties also on a solo trip. When the bus pulled into the lot I asked if I could walk with her.
“Excuse me? Do you mind if I walk with you?”
“Not at all. I would love the company.”
“My name is Chellie. I am from the USA”
“My name is Inès. I am from France.”
She is a French and Tunisian as well as Chrisitan and Muslim. I am American and Eastern European Jewish. She is in her 20’s and I am in my 50’s. We are unlikely friends based on our age differences and backgrounds. However that climb made us talking companions and soon we became best friends.
During that walk we each shared about our ages and religion within the first five minutes. I told her I love yoga and mediation. I am less religious and more spiritual. “Me too.” Hearing the word “Spiritual” is more unifying. We talked about school and life and religion going up. By the time we came down we were in each others phones and were new friends.
That was 2017.
Since then, she and I continue our friendship on Whatsapp video and messages regularly with long and wonderful conversations. We have found strength and support in this friendship. We talk about religion, race, sexism and many other issues. She has made me a more enlightened person on race issues specifically as they relate to women of color. On some issues we agree and on some we teach the other.
In 2019 we hosted a Zoom panel discussion on racism in America. Our friendship makes a difference to us and we have shown others how it can make a difference in the world.
I never expected a friendship like hers nor did I expect the connection from my old friend. I hoped for a good time with direction. When I left Israel, I left with a full heart.
I learned so much about myself too. I have so much more courage than I give myself credit for. I am capable and wise. I am kind and open-hearted. I don’t give up easily on people I love. In Israel, I rekindled the spark within me and learned to love myself again. I learned I am worthy of friendships, joy and living life.
The tiny spark that caused me to go to Israel is the piece of me I cannot ignore. That spark is my friend. That spark is me.
Today, when I feel sad, I think of everything that happened in Israel. It brings me back to knowing how strong, resilient and peaceful I am. I remember too, the sadness I felt then and know how quickly that changed once I created connection to others and sparked it within myself.
Do you have a bucket list? Now is the time to look at it and make it happen. Envision it. Dream it. Step into that fear. Lean into it. Be courageous. Live your best life because you deserve that.
So many wonderful examples of strength and shared joy through self-reliance and determination. Thanks for sharing!
What an amazing comeback you made during your journey - recovering your spark of life with all the accompanying benefits! And that's a great model friendship you made with the younger French-Tunisian woman. What a better world this would be if more of us could follow how you interact with this friend: "On some issues we agree and on some we teach the other." Thank you - incredibly.