Kintsugi: A path to discovering my veins of gold.

Chellie Grossman

Aug 07, 2023

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.”

-Ernest Hemingway

I went for a walk with a friend today and she described some brownie bites she enjoys.

“But there are so many crumbs at the bottom of the bag,” she harrumphed.

“I like the crumbs the best.”

“Me too! In fact, I decided to use them as the topping for my ice cream.”

We were walking as part of our 30 day exercise challenge, but there is always room for ice-cream. We both chuckled.

“That’s brilliant,” I responded. “ Even the broken off bits come in handy. ”

Who doesn’t love brownie bits?

I pondered for a moment. It would be so nice if the broken bits of life were savored too. As we continued to walk I noticed the log art. The log art is a fallen tree that was reinvented into a piece of artwork. It used to just lay here until two people imagined this tree could offer a gift to the park and still have a life after falling.

Photo Credit: Chellie Grossman

We live in a society that throws away the broken bits, clears away the fallen trees and values perfection. What if there is a better way? A way to overcome pain and challenges by showing and sharing the imperfect.

A few years ago I read about the Japanese concept of mending broken pottery–Kintsugi. Broken pieces of pottery are gathered, arranged and then put back together with lacquer and gold. The lacquer is used to fill in empty spaces and cracks and enhance the strength, whereas the gold draws out the imperfections for others to see. This process of drawing out imperfections and making them seen is quite a unique concept. When the pottery is mended it is often displayed for others to marvel at. It now has a story of strength, courage and determination.

What if we can each become stronger at the broken places?

As Hemingway says “...Some are stronger at the broken places.” I think he was referring to the challenges we face in life and how we move through them. Like the pottery or the log, there is beauty in each of our journeys. Just because we fall or stumble or come upon difficult circumstances does not mean we are any less special or important.

At different times in my life I felt broken, fractured and shattered. And, I am here sharing some of my broken bits and how I regained courage.

One event that changed my life was a near fatal car accident in 2008 that left me suffering emotionally and physically. Previously I was a strong minded woman, but the accident threw me into a tailspin. I needed others to help me do basic things like eat, dress, and cut food. I hated this. I went to doctors but no one could make me better. I had a traumatic brain injury, PTSD, and injuries to my body. I wanted to be fixed right away! No one was able to fix the deep pain I felt.

Before the accident, I smiled, laughed and enjoyed everything about life. After the accident, I cried, became angry and felt utterly worthless. Why isn’t this or that person coming to help? Why don’t they love me? Why am I not good enough? This feeling of not being good enough wove through every part of my day.

I wanted my old self back. The me who hula-hooped at the coffee shop and played hop-scotch with her girlfriends at the park. The me who did cartwheels down the lawn of The Getty Museum. The me who was fun, spontaneous, and carefree. Now, I felt caged and stuck with a version of myself I hated. Worst of all, I felt others hated me too.

Pieces of me were gone and I had no way to get them back.

I imagined myself as a blue vase that had been shattered, unable to hold anything any longer (love, empathy, kindness). The truth is, the vase was never empty. It held hurt, shame and anger. These were the shards of glass that cut me leaving me, scarred and scared. Each aspect of this visualization was meaningful. Blue was a color I felt deeply connected to. It represents serenity, inspiration, wisdom and stability. There was none of that in my life then.

What I did wrong was…

I kept imagining the brokenness and focusing on the pain, loss, and regret. I needed to tell myself something different and visualize something different. So I visualized the blue vase coming together with veins of gold. I told myself I am the vase and I am strong. I am whole.

I practiced loving-kindness and self compassion especially when anger, sadness and fear rose up. I am okay. I am safe. I am here. I grounded myself in the safety of my home.

What if the pieces that broke away were meant to do so?

Before my accident I was attached to outcomes and ideas. I was attached to people and expectations. I always had a plan. My plan was thrown away when the accident happened. Who am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to learn? How am I supposed to grow from this?

After the accident I suffered with attachment issues. I was attached to pain, anger, medicine and stuck in a negative cycle. I became overly dependent on my daughter. I believed that nothing was going to change. So I suffered.

When I learned to accept my feelings and give them space, I learned to respond to them instead of react. I learned to love myself and heal my pain.

I still have PTSD. I still have a physical disability. So what’s different? I am. I filled the cracks with love which are now my veins of gold.

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