(Picture by Beth Conklin “Song Birds”)
I put on my pretty yellow dress today and prepare for my forest walk. The color yellow helps create a joyous mood. Today, in addition to wearing my yellow dress, I wear a somber look on my face, neither happy nor sad. I am transitioning from one part of my life, a challenging part, to hopefully a more peaceful one. As I prepare for this walk I gather my friends, the birds. The song bird, the hummingbird, the cardinal, the wren, the robin, the brown thrasher, and some others. All of them come with me and together as we walk through the forest, like old friends, familiar and knowing.
I am a safe haven for them.
Nesting on my head, each finds a cozy spot, not in twigs or sticks but in my long blonde curls. I only wince when one or more takes a strand into its beak and tugs at my hair. “Ouch that is part of me.” I want to shout. But instead, my body just shudders for a moment. I offer safe harbor on my body to these birds, the birds that nibble or tug at me.
I give pieces of myself, freely. But why? How did I become accustomed to this? How did this start? Who taught me this? Now is not the time to figure this out. Shoo. Shoo. I urge my thoughts to vanish as I raise my hand and flutter my fingers by my head pushing the thoughts aside.
The more I push them away, the more they creep back fast and furious.
Do you not see how easily I am hurt? Just one tug and I shutter? Please don’t hurt me, please. My voice is silent and my body screams. Like a child having a temper tantrum I am screaming in my mind, but nothing comes out of my mouth. Instead of anger or rage or fear, I smile and say thank you for making a home on my head. Thank you for taking refuge on my body. Thank you for using me. Thank you for allowing me to become so small I cannot see myself.
I want to say more but I only say THANK YOU.
Walking deeper into the forest I feel myself moving closer to the me I am meant to be. My gaze barely looks forward. I see my feet, the leaves, and the dirt path before me. I am more comfortable looking at my feet as they step forward into the dry earth and crinkly leaves that lie ahead of me. Each step forward is one step away from where I have been and one step closer to a new life. A life that will be wholly mine.
You will always be a part of me. One day, I too will sing.
You are with me. Whistling, tweeting, and singing. Your song has been part of my life for all of my life. I have not yet learned to sing my own song. Carrying you, all of you around has been part of my identity.
“Look over there at the girl with the birds in her curls.”
But I want to be just the girl. I want to learn my own song. Your life seems to have been so carefree. Mine has not been. Right now, you have a free ride on me. Right now, you do not have to move your wings or worry where you will sleep. You are with me.
What will happen when I take more steps forward and ready to not need you clinging onto me? Whom will you go to then? Will you find your own home? Will you find another girl? You know, I won’t worry about that. Maybe then, my gaze will change. Maybe then I will look forward or up or around. Maybe then I will smile.
I have news for you. I am ready to let go of you so I can fly. YES, I want to fly.
With each step forward, a newfound confidence sparks and with each gentle spark, one of my birds flits away. I no longer need to cling to what was. My inner strength, releases the need for them to host upon me. Blonde curls tumble down resting below my shoulders and down my back. My hair is no longer a nest. I lift my fingers to my hair and run them through causing the curls to puff up and out. This is my head. This is my hair. This is my body. My somber expression turns to a smile and my gaze lifts up to the sky. With outstretched arms and my gaze turned up toward the bluest of blue skies, I hear my voice for the first time call out loud to the Universe and say “Thank You”.
I am free.
Lovely!❤️