“When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.” ~ Abraham Maslow
Emotions inform Thoughts which inform Behavior
Therefore, it is in our best interest to understand the diverse verbiage of emotions…let’s dig in.
When I begin a new project, I dig in and gear up. I read about it and learn the lingo. I gear up like I did with cycling. I bought a safe bike, a helmet, some riding clothes and riding shoes. I bought a hydration pack and small first aid kit. I learned about different road surfaces and how to care for my bike and added reflectors and a bell for safety. I even went to a bike safety class. Basically, I geared up and learned.
Wouldn’t it be nice if life was this simple? If we each got information on what we need to know, when and why? This doesn’t happen for most people. It didn’t happen for me.
When I began my self-help journey, thirty years ago, there was so much I didn’t know…the first of which was what I was feeling. I simply didn’t have the words to know how to articulate it. I knew anger. I knew fear. Shame was one of my best friends. AND…I knew there was a lot more than that but I didn’t know what it was. Often as we grow up, many of us have the experience of having our feelings dismissed so we are unable to process and understand them accurately in adulthood.
The only words I knew were fear, shame and anger. Because these were the only emotions I knew, my world was defined by them. My experiences were seen through the lenses of fear, shame and anger. Imagine how this impacted my life and those around me.
One day I googled emotions and I found a very useful tool…Emotion Wheel. I encourage you to google it too. There are many out there.
There are six primary emotions joy, surprise, disgust, anger, sadness and fear. There are thirty-nine secondary emotions. Who knew there were so many ways to describe our feelings? I was only able to understand two of the primary emotions and shame which is listed as a secondary emotion to sadness.
Primary emotions happen rather automatically. Whereas some secondary emotions are love, guilt, shame, embarrassment, pride, envy and jealousy. These emotions tend to linger and are more difficult to express.
Think for a moment when you feel hurt, you may express this as anger (primary emotion)
Knowing how to articulate emotions helps us convey more accurately what we are feeling. It also opens us up to being vulnerable which allows for deeper connection. When we have these deeper and more meaningful conversations, we learn to let go of the energy that the emotions held onto us. This frees us to have more and different experiences.
Just like learning any new language, vocabulary builds mastery. The first step to knowing yourself better is to expand the vocabulary of emotional words.
Primary Emotions (in bold) and Secondary Emotions (in italics)
Disgust Repelled, Awful, Disappointed, Disapproving
Joy Love, Cheerfulness, Contentent, Zest, Pride
Optimism, Enthrallment, Relief
Surprise Startled, Confused, Amazed, Excited
Anger Irritation, Exasperation, Rage, Humiliated, Bitter, Aggressive,
Envy, Critical, Distant, Frustrated, Mad
Fearful Scared, Rejected, Threatened, Weak, Insecure,
Anxious
Sad Lonely, Vulnerable, Despair, Guilty, Depressed, Hurt
JOURNAL TIME. (try to keep a 30 day journal)
Choose a primary emotion word and then look at the secondary emotion words. Write a primary emotion word at the top of your page that represents how you feel.
Then dig into your feelings and figure out which secondary emotion really fits how you feel.
OR…Choose a secondary emotion word and write about a time when you felt like that. How did you act/behave? Was it in line with your values?
Name an experience you remember that connects with this word. How does using this new word help you?
Connect with a trusted person and allow yourself to speak from a place of vulnerability. If this is too hard, write in your journal as if you are speaking to a person and share all that you need to share. Be heard.
Now that you have some new words to identify your feelings, you can dig deep and create meaningful moments with authenticity.
I hope this helped you.
Let’s learn, grow and thrive—together.
Chellie
Thank you for this, Chellie. Great and helpful information. Thought-provoking.